Hi Norm! I haven't been on here in forever, how are things?

Hey. Just letting you know , Norm didn’t make it. He passed last week while we were trying to get to Yellowstone. May I thank you for being a friend to him in his dark hours.


Right in the feelz…


Right in the feelz…

No Love =No Hope

It’s been about 2 weeks now, and I feel my mind slipping.  The loneness and isolation takes toll on a man. What was once eating me inside is now beginning to do something 3 doctors haven’t seen before. I guess I truly don’t belong among mankind. Thanks to the morons running this country, I will be losing my health coverage after the first, so it might be time…
All but 2 people have fled my life. 2 days till Xmas and 2 past form the solstice and I have no spirit for either. I know where it is, and haven’t heard from anyone. I’m somewhere in,  I don’t know where right now. It’s where I stopped for a while and just…
Dark thoughts as I continue to drive around and fester. I gave up. False hope I clung to is now gone. The smile I wore, wiped from everything but memory.
I’m ready to just finish my journey here. If I want, maybe someone will find me and return what’s left of me.
The ones I lived for will probably never miss me… or know I’m gone.
I wish no one to cry, or fear. I’m ready I said before. Maybe next time…

Well my truck is my home now. No family or friends to turn to. I’m truly alone. As it starts to snow, I know the winter is here. I no longer care. What is eating me inside means nothing to the emptiness of my heart and those broken promises.
thoughts turn to ending before it gets me. I’m not dieing on a machine. Funny thing, I know none will notice my disappearing. Goodnite.

In and out of the hospital, and in two weeks, living in my truck. The house sold and I will have no place to live. I cry all the time, I gave up everything for them and they will leave me with nothing. My friends basically turned back on me. Megafest was mega suck. I’m lost and alone. I can’t …

I’m home again, for how long, no one knows. The doc wants me to quit my job and file for SSDA. I CAN’T DO THAT! I’m to young and proud. Nobody noticed where I was. I’m walking alone in a darkened twisted maze and can only hear voices calling out from the dark in every direction. I cry every day now, screaming I’ll beat this. Hope is fleeting with every drop of blood now.

Back in hospital. On a oxygen mask and iv drip. So weak, I don’t know.
Feeling lost and alone.

So I went to my weekly appointment today. Blood work, talked with two of the four docs I see, had more scans done, and added a fifth today, the radiologist.  I even got to get personal with the machine that will cook me by going under the cannon today. Didn’t feel much till after it was done. What a funky new feeling that will be. I get to see it 3 times a week. Woot .. :/ I just want this over so that I can go back to my life, without fear. I have to call them back Tuesday and get the final test results back and talk with?? Someone who will answer the phone, @_@.
I’m fighting this, I have to. I wont go down easy, I promised, and I keep my promises. 25%! That’s the survival percent they gave me right now. Please … I want that.

Again a few days, but I’m back. I just got out if the hospital, I was throwing up blood again, this time it came with nose bleeds. I thought it might have been a reaction to the chemo. Nope, apparently the blood thinners one doctor prescribed me did some side damage and that has ” helped ” with both the spread and recent stay.
Oh well„,  every man gets a spin and mine might be coming to an end. I’m home now, but that’s because I want my bed. A nurse will be visiting twice a week now and it might be the time to tell.
I have my will made… I’m scared, but ready.
Gods have mercy tonight.

Ok I know I missed a few day here but here we go.
I’m now day two going on three of chemotherapy. They gave me the pill because of the location of the tumors. I feel ok, sluggish, but ok. Next week I go and meet with the radioligst and more scans for that. Its so that they can better aim the treatment where needed.
It’s 2 months now living with this and, I just don’t know still. The one person in this world who I thought would never leave, doesn’t care. What did I do, I just wanted to be friends …
I’m still working, helping out the parents with the bills but„,  that has taken a turn for the worse now. We just can’t afford everything and have to sell the house. They are going to move to a apartment and I … might end up homeless. 
My life has gone to hell!!!  How am I to remain positive and happy when everything is going downhill sooo fast. The feelings of wanting to disappear or go away are back again.
Why me?